Cocktail (2012)

He is a womanizer who likes peeking up women’s skirts and would sleep with anything feminine that moves. She’s a homely comely and lonely Indian bride looking for her now-English Indian husband in London. Yet another she is a party animal who parties more, works less and chooses a man for dinner each night if he is able to grab her rear properly on the dance floor. As these 3 ‘characters’ gyrate, prostrate and copulate in front of you endlessly, the remnants of your brain that can be peeled off the floor can be the ingredients for a perfect Cock (‘n Bull)Tale.

The story surprisingly is good on paper but is translated in the most abysmal way on screen. As a womanizer and a man-eater move in together in her London apartment, he can’t help get attracted to her best friend, a married woman who is homeless when her husband refuses to accept her after marrying her in India. With the triangle formed by interval, the rest of the movie revolves around blending your brain into milk shake with lewd dialogues (Why don’t you take me to pee. It’s nothing you haven’t seen before), insipid acting and a corny excuse of a screenplay. The cast of ‘characters’ is rounded off by a semi-gay uncle of the womanizer and a menopausal mom. Ask no more.

Homi Adjania has come a long way to the absolute Abyss after a well-received Being Cyrus. One can’t associate the writing work of Imtiaz Ali with such trash on screen. The dialogues are what let the film down the most. They make ‘Golmaal’ and ‘Wanted’ sound like Ben-Hur and Moses. A couple of laughs here, a couple of thoughtful moments there is all that the movie can inspire. Oh yes, you can of course choose to laugh ‘at’ the movie.

Saif Ali Khan is at his absolute worst. His comic timing, intensity and dramatic capabilities are completely absent. He ends up making faces at the camera and showing us his waxed legs and chest instead of spunk. The character is written to inspire disgust and hate no doubt, but it does so not for the right reasons, but because you hate the way it is played. Diana Penty does a good job of playing the weepy Indian bride, but the best performance of the 3 is that of Deepika Padukone, who shows some intensity in playing the party animal with a wounded heart.

Avoid Cocktail like the plague.

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The Producers (1968)

One of the finest black comedies ever, ‘The Producers’ takes us through a series of laugh riots as it shows that crime doesn’t pay. Mel Brooks’ Oscar winning screenplay traces the journey of an amoral bankrupt producer and a listless accountant as they plan to raise more money than they need and produce the biggest Broadway flop to escape to Brazil with the spoils.

The plot revolves around Max Bialystock, a down on his luck Broadway producer who charms old ladies in order to get money to produce plays. He meets an accountant, Leo Bloom who has been sent by the firm to do his books and comes up with a theoretical idea that you can make more money with a failed play than with a hit. Bialystock seizes that and together with Bloom, finds a play written by a Nazi supporter, called ‘Springtime for Hitler: A Gay Romp with Adolf and Eva at Berchtesgaden’, picks the most unsuccessful director on Broadway and the worst set of actors to play parts. Does their plan succeed is what the plot tries to uncover.

Mel Brook’s screenplay is outstanding for it says much without having to state the obvious. The placement of props, the zaniness of the dialogue and Bialystock’s scheming win over an initially reluctant Bloom are examples of sheer brilliance from a man who was directing his first film. He is the unseen hero of this film.

The fantastic Zero Mostel as Max Bialystock has you in splits. One of the most expressive actors you will come across, Mostel makes you feel sorry for a man who is about the dupe several hundred people and makes you want his scheme to become a success. Gene Wilder as Leo Bloom is very clearly the second lead as he ably supports Mostel in his plan.

This film is a must watch for anyone interested in a few laughs. You will get more than you bargained for.

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The Men Who Stare at Goats (2009)

If there is a sub-genre called bizarre black comedies, ‘The Men Who Stare at Goats’ would fall into it. A completely lateral take on a psychic spy force called ‘The Jedi Warriors’ allegedly used by the United States gives you a fair bunch of laughs but mostly will get you going like, ‘What were they on?’.

The story revolves around a reporter Bob Wilton, who is escaping from the reality of a broken marriage where his wife leaves him for his editor and finds himself in Iraq with a ‘Jedi Warrior’ Lyn Cassidy as a companion. Cassidy was part of a group of psychic spies trained by the US armed forces in the 80s. The operating model of this group is to use their mind to defeat the opponent, not force. Make love not war, and smoke weed not your enemy is more like it. And of course, learn to stop the heart of a person by staring at him. Bob’s quest to shed his loser tag and Cassidy’s mission to find his old mentor, Bill Django find a common path to self realization for Bob and redemption for Cassidy, who brought upon a curse on the Jedi group when he agreed to use his powers to kill a goat. Make sense? I think not.

‘What was he on?’ George Clooney’s close friend Grant Heslov, the man who made himself famous as the hero’s sidekick in many movies such as ‘Congo’, ‘True Lies’, ‘Dante’s Peak’ blends in the 60s flower child thought into a post Vietnam reincarnation of the armed forces to give you a rose bud at the edge of an AK-47. Perhaps such a force existed to have prompted this story and perhaps some extra money existed to have funded this story to be translated to film.

‘What were they on?’ Jeff Bridges (Django), George Clooney (Cassidy), Kevin Spacey (jealous course-mate of Cassidy). I can count 4 Oscar awards for acting there with Ewan McGregor (Wilton) for support. Unfortunately, the pointlessness of the story cannot be saved by a stellar cast apart from prompting a few guffaws when you see Jeff Bridges jump off the roof of a building in a mundu or when he gets a colonoscopy done during his search for a vision. Ah what a waste of fine talent, even for a comedy!

‘What are you on?’ is a very important question to ask yourself before you see this film. It gives you good laughs here and there but is largely pointless. You may end up staring at the screen to find one.

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